It goes without saying that the twins are everything in the world to me and every decision I make in life revolves around them.
In April of 2006 Sweetness and I decided to start trying to get pregnant. It was fun because my good friend Ann and her husband were trying too. It was great to have Ann to talk to and compare notes. My sister-in-law Dawn introduced me to ovulation test sticks so I started with those right away. It only took 6 months for me to get pregnant. I realize in the overall scheme of things that's really not that long but it felt like an eternity to me.
We found out I was pregnant at the end of September and it was such fun timing because October 1 was my dad's birthday and October 2 was Sweetness'es mom's birthday. So we decided to tell them by revealing it through their birthday presents.
For my dad we had a cake made for him. It said Happy Birthday Grandpa to be...again. (my brother already had two girls). Without a doubt he was thrilled right away. The reception from my mom was luke warm. She wanted this for us but didn't get very excited and I found this very strange. At the time my uncle Richard was living with my parents who were taking care of them and he was very happy for us too.
The next day we went to Sweetness'es parents house. We bought his mom a Happy Birthday Grandma card and said something in it about how she was going to be a grandma again (don't remember the exact message). She was so super excited. Her reaction was perfect, exactly what we wanted. I actually think she may have called Sweetness'es cousin right away if memory serves me right.
Imagine my surprise when on October 22 things started to go wrong, very wrong. I was about 8 weeks pregnant at the time and really had no adverse symptoms as of yet. I did have an insatiable craving for anything pumpkin and a heightened sense of smell but no morning sickness, no tenderness, no fatigue. Actually the only thing that did happen was I broke out really bad. The Friday before we had taken our Kindergartners on a field trip to Eckerts Pumpkin Patch and I did a lot of lifting and a lot of walking but my understanding was that this was okay and would not harm the pregnancy. So on that following Sunday when I started feeling bad I thought maybe I just pulled something. It wasn't until the next morning that I started bleeding that I started to worry. I called in sick to work and moved up my first appointment.
Unfortunately my OB was out for the day so I had to see her partner. I will never forget that appointment. The nurse was taking my history and asking me about symptoms I was having with this pregnancy. She said the lack of symptoms weren't good and I remember wanting to scream at her to just shut-up that I didn't want her opinion. The doctor came and first tried to find the heartbeat but we didn't hear anything so he decided to do an ultrasound and there it was, an empty sac. He said that it was possible that it was just early and we should wait a week and check again but I knew how far along I was and I knew there should have been a heartbeat by that time.
My heart sunk and I started to cry. I don't remember much after that, something about if there was no heartbeat next week scheduling a d&c, something about maybe I ovulated later then I thought. The one thing I do remember was him saying to me, "You know my wife has had a miscarriage too, it's really not a big deal." at this point I decided I hate this man. What a jerk, what nerve, that is not what you say to a woman who is going through this.
I ended up miscarrying the baby that Tuesday into Wednesday and didn't need a d&c. I went back on Friday to make sure the miscarriage was complete and when I asked if they would do any testing to try and determine what happened Mr. Jerk lectured me about how I refused the d&c so they had no tissue to test and they weren't going to run hundreds of dollars of testing for a first miscarriage. I specifically asked about checking thyroid levels (not sure why that stuck out in my mind) and he said again no that they wouldn't do that.
So after this I was determined to educate myself and get some support. Sweetness really didn't know what to do for me. I was truly grieving and I suppose he was too just not in the same way. Lucky for me I found a wonderful group of women on baby center. It was a pregnancy loss forum for ladies who miscarried in September or October of that year. I learned so much from these ladies and heard so many unbelievable stories of their own losses, some that to this day I tear up thinking about.
I started temping so to better understand my body and how my cycle works. I waited two full months before we started trying again and this time it took no time at all. By the second month of trying I was pregnant again. This time around I didn't make the mistake of telling everyone I know I decided to wait and see what was happening. I called for my first appointment and oddly enough it was set for March 5, my birthday. I thought oh gee is that a bad omen? Should I not do this?
So I decided to keep the appointment and take a personal day. I had a lot going through my mind. First of all, it was early and there was a small chance I may not see a heartbeat, second it was my ob's first day back from her own maternity leave, and third who would want to hear bad news on their birthday?
This time around I had pretty much the same symptoms, heightened sense of smell, a insatiable craving for oatmeal this time around, and breakout city. I can say that I did have a little extra heartburn but no morning sickness. Well my heart sunk again when I woke up the morning of March 5. I immediately had to use the restroom and all I saw was blood. It was awful. I yelled for Sweetness and just broke down crying. I couldn't believe this was happening again. We sat on our bed with our phone in our hand and waited until the clock hit 9 am, the time the ob's office opened. Sweetness made the call and explained the situation and they said leave the house right now and come straight in. The ride wasn't long as we lived just 1.5 miles from the office but it felt excruciating to me. To further how bad I felt this was my ob's first day back from maternity leave. I didn't want her first patient to be a miscarriage, how horrible! The office was empty. The second we walked in her nurse was waiting for us at the door and walked us back. Dr. Fowler didn't even bother with the doppler, she started right away with the ultrasound.
Imagine my elation when we saw that little flicker on the screen! I couldn't believe it! The baby looked great and right on schedule. My cervix looked great and the bleeding was nothing, maybe an irritation or implantation bleeding. Well imagine my surprise when she turned the wand and there it was, another flicker!!! To this day I still can't believe it and all I could say was, "Oh my God, Oh my God." I was dumbfounded! I cried yet again except this time they were tears of joy! How blessed, how loved, how lucky am I?
Thank you God for knowing what was best. Thank you for this wonderful gift. The twins are so amazing and their story is one I will never forget. I know you gave them to me and for that I love you more then words can ever say!